


My Fear, Your Pain

by mijikayo999



Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-09-22 00:34:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9574031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mijikayo999/pseuds/mijikayo999
Summary: Kakashi looks at Iruka and sees something Iruka's been hiding.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Evergreen_Snow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evergreen_Snow/gifts).



Wind. Trees. Moon. A few stars. 

Kakashi stood with his head back, his hands gripped tight in his pockets, one eye open and staring into the night sky, hoping to find some answer there.

 _What did I miss? What did I not see?_

_Did I ever actually look?_

“-kashi-san…? Kakashi-san…”

Why don’t I know if I ever even looked?

“- Kakashi!!” 

A hand clamped down on his shoulder and Kakashi’s head jerked forward with a start. The hand belonged to Gai, who was smiling reassuringly at him, albeit in an intense way. 

“Ah-ha,” he grinned. “You are so worried, my friend. I do not mean to revel in your unease, but I cannot lie and say it does not bring me some measure of happiness to see you expressing such concern for a comrade.” Reassuring smile intensifies.

Kakashi’s hooded eye looked down at the hand on his shoulder, and back up at Gai. 

“... I’m not worried.”

Gai let out a short bark of laughter, and the hand withdrew with a squeeze. “It is fine, it is fine. You do not have to explain yourself to me...I am sure I wouldn’t understand anyway. You have always been an enigma of varying degrees to me, Kakashi-san… though of course, that is to say, not an unendearing one.” He winked. “At any rate, we’ve made our decision. Go and tend to Iruka-sensei. The kids and I will keep watch tonight. We are well within the borders of Fire Country and all is quiet...” He turned and narrowed his eyes into the surrounding dark, as if challenging it to dispute him. 

Kakashi swallowed and wondered why his mouth felt dry. “Ah. About that.” Was his voice shaking? It felt like it was, yes, but did it sound like it? 

Gai turned back, and Kakashi hastily tried to continue before he could say anything. “You know, I really think it would be better if I went with the kids tomorrow. My hounds can help track and we’re not even sure how many…” he heard himself trailing off as Gai waved a dismissive hand.

“No no, not at all. I will go with the children, and we’ll take Takane-san with us. He has already fought our quarry, and can aid us in that way. We’ve already discussed, and it is the right thing. There is little tracking to be done here, you know that, and Neji has already seen what we need to see. We have the advantage of home ground, and we will be caught up to them within the day. It is more important that you escort Iruka-sensei back to the village as soon as possible. You know I would be useless to him. Now go! Worries can only be alleviated with direct confrontation of the problem!!”

“I’m not worried...” 

But he knew he sounded worried, even if he didn’t look it (and he never looked it), and anyway Gai was already halfway over to where the kids’ bedrolls were arranged in a semi-circle around a campfire, and they sat chatting like they were at a slumber party. A successful recovery mission (to a degree) and the anticipation of tomorrow’s chase had their spirits high tonight. 

He turned his attention to the opposite side of their camp, and to another fire burning just as brightly, but this one watched by only one figure. Iruka sat much as he had since he’d arranged and lit the fire nearly an hour ago: his back against the nearby fallen tree, knees drawn up tight and wide eyes staring intensely into the flames, as if his will alone kept them burning. That stare…it was part of the problem. Another part was the tight set of Iruka’s jaw. Neither of those things had wavered since they’d found him this afternoon, holed up in a shallow man-made cave at the far northern border along with the only surviving member of his team and their dying Grass nin prisoner. And neither of those things were normal for Iruka.

Kakashi thought back to that afternoon, and how as soon as their team had reached the hideout, he had been struck by a number of things that were unexpected. Their debriefing back in Konoha had been clear - rendezvous with Iruka’s team at the prescribed point and assist in delivering their three prisoners back to Konoha. It had been billed as a standard B-rank escort mission, and since the weather was nice this time of year for a trip north, Kakashi and Gai had decided to go together and bring their genin teams along for some experience in a part of the country they didn’t get to see often. But once they’d arrived at the rendezvous point, the signs that all was not right were immediate. Too much blood and silence met them at the mouth of the cave, along with the bodies of two Grass nin. Gai and Neji had immediately gone to survey the surrounding area, leaving Lee, Tenten and Naruto to guard the mouth of the cave while Kakashi led Sasuke and Sakura inside, disarming traps along the way. Of course, Naruto had raved about needing to go in and _see Iruka-sensei right away and I mean it he might be hurt look at all this blood!!!_ Which was exactly why Kakashi said no to that and gave him some bullshit reason about it being more important for him to stay outside and “guard the Grass nin bodies from forest nymph corpse raiders,” which, if it hadn’t exactly convinced Naruto, had at least given him something to think about for a minute, which was all the time Kakashi needed to go on without him. 

Once inside the cave, the traps had been frequent, clever, and unquestionably set by Iruka. Kakashi had immediately recognized that stupid little chakra-inhibitor signature that Iruka always put on traps to prevent them from being tripped by children and small animals. After which he’d immediately recognized that he was quite possibly the only living person in the village (save the Sandaime) who knew about and would recognize that stupid little chakra-inhibitor signature, but he didn’t dwell on that too much. He thought instead about how this was a good sign, because it meant that Iruka had at least been alive up until they’d entered the cave, and he’d survived whatever had gone wrong outside. 

It wasn’t long when they reached the inner chamber of the cave, and the full unexpectedness of the situation had been revealed. They’d been told they would find Iruka and his three Konoha team members safe, and guarding three genin Grass nin. But instead they’d found only the team leader Takane, Iruka, one Konoha nin body, and one young Grass nin who looked as if he’d been rolled through a field of razor grass, his torso, arms, and upper legs reduced to shreds of clothing, blood, and mud. Kakashi had quickly assigned the bodies they’d seen at the mouth of the cave as two of the captured Grass genin, and he assumed this to be the third. But he’d seen the scroll, and the mission parameters where to capture the three rogue Grass genin who’d been making trouble on the northern border and return them to Konoha “alive and healthy, with as little use of force as necessary”. Not “dead, dead, and clearly the victim of intense interrogation”. 

But even the condition and number of people present wasn’t what had disoriented Kakashi the most. He could see right away that both Takane and Iruka were in relatively good physical condition, and that they must have avoided serious injury in whatever had taken place outside the cave. In spite of the wounded genin between them, they both appeared calm and in control of the situation, however tense it was. But Kakashi had his sharingan open to help with the traps and in his hurry he hadn’t considered closing it. The sharingan told him a different story. With his left eye open and his right eye closed, Kakashi could see a person’s chakra aura, and its appearance varied with the person’s strength, physical condition, level of chakra control, and so on. Takane looked as expected, his aura bright and pulsing with the intensity of a physical throb, the aura of a healthy and focused-on-the-situation-at-hand shinobi. The prisoner looked as expected as well, his aura faint and fading out in places, with the addition of the rough sandpaper-like feel that all Grass nin chakra had. But then there was Iruka, and Kakashi couldn’t stop staring at him, as he tried to process what he was seeing. While on the outside Iruka looked much the same as he always did, his aura was something else entirely. The edges were ragged and the intensity of it vibrated and sparked as if agitated, and it occasionally threw off bits of bright chakra that flared more brilliantly than anything else in the cave. Kakashi stared. It was an aura he’d seen many times, but only on the battlefield. It was the aura of a dying nin terrified beyond reason and the chakra actively defending itself because the body has stopped responding. It was not the aura of a relatively uninjured nin in a secured hideout with a near-dead (already dead?) prisoner and reinforcements just arriving. 

Yet here was Iruka. 

Calm except for dark eyes and a tight jaw, and throwing off massive amounts of chakra like a dying man. 


	2. Chapter 2

Kakashi stood just outside the circle of light thrown by the campfire, looking warily down at Iruka’s hunched form. Slowly, deliberately, he raised his left hand and shifted his hitai-ate up just a bit, just enough to squint out of… He hadn’t wanted to use the sharingan again, but he couldn’t stop himself from checking, _just one more time_ , if he had really seen what he’d seen. He didn’t deny that he was hoping that maybe, somehow, he’d open that eye and Iruka would be back to “normal”, back to who Kakashi knew him to be. But alas...his eye opened and when the red haze descended and the voices began murmuring, there sat Iruka - sparking brighter than the fire in front of him - and Kakashi was forced to accept that maybe who he knew Iruka to be wasn’t exactly the whole story. And now that he knew, now that he’d _seen_ , he couldn’t very well go on pretending he hadn’t. 

“I wish you’d stop looking at me with that thing. It feels very… intrusive.” 

Iruka’s low, annoyed voice startled Kakashi more than it should have. He felt for a moment as if he’d been caught doing something shameful, and he hastily pulled the hitai-ate down over the sharingan and blinked his right eye a few times. 

“Ah,” he started. “Sorry about that. I was just…checking…” He trailed off as Iruka made no acknowledgment, only sitting forward to poke at the charring logs on the fire, sending a shower of sparks up into the black. Kakashi flinched, then quickly composed himself. His fear was getting a bit ridiculous, and he knew he was just stalling and it was time he got over it. This wasn’t about him, this was about Iruka, and sometime over the last few days he’d calmly-yet-in-a-panic acknowledged to himself what he’d been unconsciously chewing over in the back of his head for a year or so: that Iruka had become his _friend_ , somehow, although how it happened he wasn’t quite sure. But it had, there was no denying it, and although having a _friend_ was, to Kakashi, one of the most stupidly terrifying things in life, he knew enough about it to know that when you find out that a friend is hurting in a way you’d never even considered, you got over your own petty fear of saying and doing and feeling the wrong thing, and instead you just said it and did it and felt it. 

Right?

With sweaty palms he lurched forward and sat himself awkwardly against the fallen tree just to the right of Iruka, keeping a safe foot of space between their shoulders. Iruka again made no reaction, and Kakashi settled in to stare at the fire. The late spring air was still cool around them and the warmth of the fire was welcome. It would be a few more months yet before the summer evenings turned hot and sticky. The sound of the night insects in the forest surged around them as the moon rose, and with their droning in his ears, the hypnotizing flicker of the flames in his eye, and the familiar presence of Iruka sitting beside him (always with that safe foot of space between their shoulders), Kakashi finally felt himself relax for the first time since that afternoon. He let out a cleansing breath, and began haltingly.

“You know, this is the first time we’ve ever been out of the village together.”

There was a pause and he held his breath. A log snapped on the fire. Then Iruka spoke softly. 

“No, it’s not.” 

Kakashi turned and looked at him.

“What? When did we go on a mission together? I think I would remember that… ”

“Well, we _haven’t_...gone on a mission together, that is. But this isn’t the first time we’ve been out of the village together… It wasn’t a mission.” 

Kakashi blinked. “Oh.” He puzzled into the fire. “Then why don’t I remember…”

Iruka breathed a sigh and sat up. “Don’t think too hard about it, it’s exactly the kind of thing you would forget,” he said a little huffily. “It was almost a year ago, at that onsen up east of the village…the one with the back dining porch built out over the koi pond? In May.”

Kakashi turned quickly, “We were at an onsen together?” 

“Well, not exactly _together_ ,” Iruka shifted a little. “But at the same time. I was there with the Year Five students on their spring trip, and you were there overnight to meet up with a contact before you headed out to Hot Springs Country. We didn’t know it until we saw each other a week later back in the village, when I was telling you about the trip and you realized that it was the same onsen you’d been at. You’d arrived late that night, and I’d left with the kids early the next morning. So...we were there together. For one night. We just didn’t know it at the time.”

Kakashi chuckled. “You’re right. That is exactly the kind of thing you would remember.”

“I didn’t say - !” 

“I know what you said,” Kakashi grinned.

Iruka huffed again, but as he turned forward and tucked his head back into his knees, he had a small smile on his lips, and his eyes had begun to relax a bit. This gave Kakashi great strength, so he began again. 

“Tomorrow morning, Gai-san and Takane-san, they’re taking the kids and going after the fourth Grass nin. You and I, we’re heading back to the village.” 

Iruka’s head was up again. “What? No! Why? We need to go with them! We need to help them track. I’ve seen him. I know what he looks like, I saw how he fights, I can - “

“So can Takane-san. They don’t need us. And the kids will be a big help. Eight against one are great odds, even if six of them are genin. And you are in no shape for a hunt.”

Iruka grit his teeth and spoke low. “I’m fine.”

“And that’s precisely why you and I are going back to the village. I do believe you when you say you’re ‘fine,’ but if this is your ‘fine’, then you are in bad shape. How long has this been your normal? How long have you been…” He paused, considered. Then he turned towards Iruka and spoke quietly, “I’m sorry I didn’t see.”

Iruka didn’t return his gaze. He spoke into the fire, in a dull, detached voice. “See what.” 

Kakashi closed his eye and swallowed, reminding himself to be calm. He spoke evenly. “You’re bleeding chakra, sensei. Lots of it. You seem to have no chakra control, and how the hell you managed to make it through the trees this afternoon without falling to your death or smacking your skull against a branch I have no idea. With this rate of chakra bleed, the average shinobi would be passed out cold, or raving like a lunatic. It’s like you’re holding yourself together through sheer force of will, like you’re fighting with your own chakra, and somehow… it seems that you’re winning.” He squinted at Iruka and asked, softly now, “Is this really your normal? Is this really your ‘fine’, sensei?” _And because I never used my sharingan on you, I just never noticed?_ A small part of him was aware that he’d started to lean a bit into their careful foot of empty space, but he decided not to dwell on that at the moment. Instead, he focused all his attention on Iruka’s eyes, not allowing himself to register the look or proximity of anything else, less he lose his focus and nerve. 

Iruka’s jaw tensed, but his voice was now more tired than detached. “I’m not going to lie to you, Kakashi-san, so...yes. Today is….today is particularly bad because…. well, usually it’s not this bad. But yes. To maybe a little lesser of a degree, yes, this is normal. And I don’t blame you for never noticing, because I try very, very… hard… to keep anyone from noticing, so don’t feel bad about that.” He closed his eyes and continued weakly, “And with that in mind, I’d appreciate it if you’d keep this to yoursel-”

In a flash, Kakashi fell forward and grabbed Iruka’s right wrist. Iruka let out a cry of shock and reflexively closed his fingers into a fist. 

“Open your hand,” Kakashi growled with a narrow eye.

“Wha...W-why…”

“Just _open it_.”

He decided not to wait and instead applied pressure to Iruka’s wrist just so, causing him to reflexively uncurl his fingers. Kakashi pressed the palm of his left hand against Iruka’s right and pushed firmly, concentrating chakra there. He let it build into a faint golden glow, then gently fed it into the corresponding chakra nodes on Iruka’s palm. For a second, it felt as if their hands were held together under a cascade of warm, soft water. Then Iruka jerked away with a gasp, falling off-balance and bracing himself behind with his hands. His eyes were wide and fevered, his breath came in soft pants and a faint sheen of sweat shone on the bridge of his nose in the firelight. He looked at Kakashi in confusion, and a bit of a panic.

Kakashi ignored that look and instead sat back against the fallen tree, crossing his arms and tucking his hands tight against his sides. He stared into the fire crossly and consciously ignored the subtle buzz of feeling that flickered and faded up his left arm. 

“See?” he said gruffly. “You are massively chakra-deprived. It might have felt like a lot, but I only channeled a small bit…Your body’s so hungry for it, you practically pulled it out of me. I bet you don’t even know what it feels like to be chakra-full anymore. I don’t care if you’ve lived this way for a year, or two, or twenty, it’s a very dangerous state to be in and on this mission I have rank over you and I won’t have one of my men out in the field in that condition. So we are going back to the village tomorrow, and yes I will knock you unconscious and carry you back, if that’s what I have to do.”

He finished with a careful side-glance at Iruka. “Although, I would prefer not to have to do that.” 

Iruka nodded weakly, with his elbows on his knees and his head cradled in his hands. His watery eyes glistened in the firelight, but he looked otherwise composed. The night insects had reduced themselves to a soft cricket-chirp, and the trees were still.

“Twelve,” he said. 

Kakashi waited.

“It’s only - ” Iruka’s voice cracked and he started again. 

“It’s only been twelve years. Not twenty.” 

Something in that voice and those bright watery eyes caused a snapping in Kakashi’s heart. Suddenly he felt as if he were looking at a frightened child and a wounded animal, and being pulled by the instinct to offer help but not wanting to be bit. He had little experience with either of those things, but he felt more comfortable with the latter, so with that in mind, he forced his heart rate to slow, eased the tension out of his muscles, and worked to radiate the message “I am not a threat” as much as possible. Moving slowly, he turned towards Iruka, sitting cross-legged and resting his forearms loose on his knees in front of him.

Their careful foot of space had now been reduced by half.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, everyone, for your kind words, and your patience! Please enjoy this next chapter.
> 
> -mijikayo999

While the silence may have hung heavy between Kakashi and Iruka, it didn’t extend far beyond them.  The sounds of the camp continued to drift through- the low murmur of the kids chatting, occasionally broken by a bubble of laughter.  Guy and Takane were deep in conversation as they slowly walked the perimeter of the camp (Guy’s favored method of discussing strategy).  

Meanwhile, Kakashi was doing some mental math.  Where was he twelve years ago?  That’s right.  He was eighteen and lost in the bowels of ANBU… So that didn’t help. 

“Sensei… What happened twelve years ago?”  

No response.

“Sensei…”

Iruka glanced at Kakashi, his eyes expressing his discomfort.  He looked back at the fire and opened his mouth to speak, then shut it again...opened it again and this time managed a choking sound, then quickly shut it with a grimace.  Kakashi blinked at this, and Iruka leaned forward and aggressively poked the fire in response.  Finally he sat back and closed his eyes, drawing in a deep breath which he let out shakily.  He began in a soft voice.

“Twelve years ago I was fourteen.  It was just after the kyuubi attack.  I was still genin and on my third team because my peers kept making chuunin and my jounin-sensei kept getting promoted to other duties and I kept getting left behind.  If you’d asked me then, I would have said it was because I was stupid...I didn’t have the best self-esteem.  But now, at least, I can say I wasn’t a slow-learner...just… a slow- _ thinker _ .  I’ve always picked up new skills quickly, and I would usually be one of the first in the class to get it right.  But once in the field, I had a hard time concentrating in the middle of combat.   I never seemed to be able to piece the action together quickly enough to react the right way with the right jutsu at the right time.  Anyway, after a few years of being passed by, I was getting frustrated with myself and when we got yet another a new jounin-sensei, I was probably too eager to impress him.  Unfortunately, he was the sadistic type and picked up on that.  It didn’t take long for me to realize that how he was treating me was abuse, but…”

Here he stopped and looked up into the fire, his mouth moving in silent words, stopping and starting again, his eyes distant.  Kakashi watched, waiting.  

“Eventually we were going on missions just the two of us.  He had this thing about ‘interrogation’ and insisting that I needed more training in resistance techniques.  We’d be out in the middle of nowhere and he’d put these chakra-blocking restraints on me, and I’d have to ‘resist’ his…  He rarely hurt me physically, it was more...psychological.  He would use all different kinds of genjutsu and henge and he would come at me from every side and I never knew who or what I was looking at…Sometimes it was friends, my academy teachers…other jounin...once even the hokage.  Other times it was enemy nin, or something I’d never even seen before.  He’d taunt me, cajole me, compliment me or even beg me for mercy.  He’d switch back and forth and build it up to be so disorienting until I was completely out of my mind with panic-”

Iruka’s voice rose, straining as he spoke through clenched teeth.  

“I’d be paralyzed by fear and confusion, and while my body would shut down, my chakra would still try to fight back.  I didn’t have great chakra-control at the best of times, I’ve never been good at it, but when I got worked up like that, it was impossible.  And with the bonds on me, my chakra had nowhere to go.  So instead of releasing naturally, it just built up and fed on itself and I would feel it...boiling...through my body.”  

His hands resting on his thighs grasped the fabric of his pants tightly, knuckles white.  “I would physically feel it racing up and down my arms and legs, back and forth, circling in my chest…until I was sure I would burst.  And then he would take off the bonds.” 

At this, Iruka’s hands unclasped suddenly and went limp, his voice falling back to a soft rasp.  “And since I had no control over it, the second the bonds came off, the excess chakra would forcibly leave my body, and it was very...painful.  Not in a physical way so much, but… “

Here he paused with a faraway look on his face, and pressed a splayed hand flat against his chest, rubbing it back and forth slowly, as if to ease some ache there.

“...But it hurt.”

Kakashi was staring intently down at his hands, where they rested lightly on the ground in front of him.  He methodically flexed and straightened his fingers, scratching shallow furrows into the dirt below them.  Something wasn’t adding up in his mind about what he was hearing.  It wasn’t that the story wasn’t believable.  It absolutely was.  It was no secret that many jounin abused their genin.  The balance of power was too skewed, the situations too stressful, and just because they were elite shinobi didn’t mean they were exempt from human nature.  It was one of the reasons Kakashi himself had refused a genin team for so long.  The temptation was too real.  No, the extent and manner of abuse in Iruka’s story was entirely believable.  Kakashi even had a pretty good idea of who the jounin sensei may have been.  But what unsettled him about the story was the fact that he knew the ending, and it just didn’t seem possible that it could have worked out the way it did.  By all accounts, Iruka was a strong and well-adjusted adult, with a knack for finding the good in a person and nurturing them into the best individual they could be.  That wasn’t just an act, it was truth, and Kakashi had first-hand experience of it in his own life.  No, the question that was bothering him was, why didn’t Iruka turn out to be a sadistic jounin-sensei himself?  

Without looking up, he spoke.   “How long did this go on?”

Iruka stretched out his legs and leaned back.  “Eight months, maybe.  Less than a year.”

“What ended it?”

“I made chuunin.”

“...And how did you cope with it?  How were you able to...function so well?”

“Ah.  Well…stubbornness.”   Iruka reached up and rubbed his scar.  The air around them felt as if some tension had broke, and Iruka’s voice became more relaxed.  “It had gotten to the point where I was being triggered by everything around me.  I would have entire days where I didn’t know if I was really there, or if I was still in a genjutsu.  Of course my unconscious mind couldn’t tell the difference, and my chakra would flare up constantly in response to perceived threats, in anything and everything.  I was regularly having to fight my chakra down, keep it contained, and force myself to look ‘normal’ on the outside even if my chakra-heart was panicked.”

“That’s not,” Kakashi started quietly, thinking back to the time after his sensei’s death, “an easy way to live, for someone that age.”

Iruka shrugged.  “Like I said, I’m stubborn.  Maybe some people wrote off my unpredictable moods as just that, I was a teenager.  And also, I didn’t have anyone to tell me otherwise.  My parents were gone at that point, and I had no other family...I’d stopped making friends with my peers out of fear and jealousy.   But I didn’t want to die, so I just...kept on living.  I learned to avoid having to expend large amounts of chakra in a short amount of time, because it’s...it’s like you said...I’m always low…”  He looked down at his right hand, at the ghost of the feeling of Kakashi’s chakra on it, and he hastily clenched it into a fist and stuck it behind his back.  When he spoke again, his voice trembled with a forced false confidence.

“And to be honest, the older I got the easier it was to hide.  Of course, I’ve never managed to pass a psychological assessment since I made chuunin, so that’s kept me out of the field and the stress of a combat situation.  That helps.  And between the Academy and the mission room I keep myself busy, accountable to a strict routine….and that helps too.”  He paused, just a beat, then sounded uncertain again.  “It’s only been just this past year now since I’ve started to feel...like it’s a little harder to…to hide...” He trailed off and snuck a wary glance at Kakashi.  

“Just this past year…” Kakashi murmured, staring down at the furrows growing under his fingers.  What had this past year been for Iruka?  For Kakashi, it had been a year of growing pains, but in the end he was grateful for it.  He’d passed a genin team, against his better judgement, and that had set in motion changes he’d never expected.  It was Naruto, with his father’s smile and an acute perception of the importance of giving and receiving care in relationships that was beyond his years, that had opened up Kakashi to a grudging appreciation of friendship, even if he still felt it beyond him.    

And then it was Naruto who had brought him Iruka, and Kakashi found himself carried down that unfamiliar road against his will.  The first time Iruka had approached him to get together for drinks, saying he’d like to discuss Kakashi’s new role as Naruto’s teacher, Kakashi had thought nothing of it.  He’d long since perfected the art of living life on autopilot, with as little conscious thought as possible.  He had two modes - one for when he was outside the village (complete the mission, stay alive) and one for when he was inside the village (keep your mouth shut, your sharingan shut, and keep all interpersonal contact to a bare minimum).   Having drinks with a colleague was a no-brainer for him, as social interactions went.  So he’d agreed readily, drank the sake, stared at the curious scar across from him for two hours, and went home without a second thought.   But then Iruka had asked again, and Kakashi had agreed again.  And then it seemed Iruka was asking every time Kakashi returned from a mission.  And Kakashi kept agreeing.   And soon he found himself drinking more, and replying more, and finally even engaging in meaningful conversation.  And eventually, after the drinks were done and the bar closed, they wouldn’t exactly go home.  Instead, they  would wander the dark streets of the village for hours, and Kakashi would hear himself talking, and see Iruka listening, and when he saw the concern and intensely focused attention in those eyes and that scar, he would hear himself talking more.  Until finally one day, when Kakashi was out on a mission waiting in a tree in Rain Country, listening to the distant thunder and watching water stream down the tree trunk and catch on his hand, he realized he’d said things to Iruka that he’d never given voice to outside of his own head.  Things about how it felt to kill, or to fail, or about the way he prays to Namikaze Minato every morning the same way you’d pray to a god.  And that in spite of having said all that, it was Iruka and that scar that were the first things he would look for as soon as he returned to the village, ready to say even more.  

But all that time, he didn’t just talk, he listened too.  And he knew he’d never heard Iruka say anything about this part of his story before.  

“All this time, this year…” he started quietly.  

Iruka cocked his head.  “What?  What about this year…?”

Kakashi’s scraped the earth one last time and his hands closed into fists.  “All this time, this year…”  He looked up quickly to meet Iruka’s eyes and said fiercely, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Iruka looked startled, then annoyed.  “What do you mean?”  

Kakashi knew his voice sounded more combative than he meant it to, but he didn’t bother to stop it.  The past few days had brought some very raw emotions to the surface, and he was feeling vulnerable.  He felt his usual defenses rising up against his will: Lead with aggression and keep the other party off guard.  

“I  _ mean _ ,” he said bitterly, and a bit too loud, “why didn’t you say anything about this?  For months we’ve been talking, about everything.   I told you  _ everything _ !  And I thought you had too…Why didn’t you  _ tell _ me??”

Iruka stood up abruptly and brushed the dirt from his pants, face flushed and eyes sparking. 

“I don’t have to tell you  _ everything _ to be your friend!”  

“Oh, so you  _ did _ think we were friends!”  Kakashi stood too.  

Iruka made an exasperated sound. “God, of course I did!  What did you think we were doing?  Did you think I was spending all that time with you just for the hell of it??”  

Iruka’s voice carried across the clearing, and out of the corner of his eye, Kakashi saw Naruto look their way and half-stand up from his bedroll.  Sakura grabbed his arm, but he shook it off and with clenched fists he began stomping his way over to where Kakashi and Iruka stood. With a glance at Iruka, he hastily crossed the clearing and met him halfway.  The scowl on Naruto’s face said he wasn’t going to stop, and he glared up fiercely.  Kakashi heaved a sigh and crouched down so he was more eye-level with him.  He didn’t do this often, he preferred to remain standing when talking to the kids.  The intimidation and advantage his height gave him brought him a small level of comfort.  He still didn’t feel entirely comfortable relating to the kids emotionally, and he tried to avoid it whenever he could.  But his relationship with Iruka had been helping with that, and tonight he found himself seeing Naruto in a new way, too.  Just as he’d been avoiding confronting Iruka earlier that evening, he realized he’d been avoiding confronting Naruto’s insecurities in a similar way.  He’d assumed he’d had nothing to offer the kids in that regard, but maybe it was time he tried anyway.  

So he took Naruto’s left hand in his, and gently traced the fading scar left by the kunai Naruto had driven through it a few months ago.  

“Naruto-kun,” he spoke haltingly, “Iruka-sensei’s had a very bad day.  I know you’re having fun out here with your friends, but don’t forget, we’re on a mission, and it’s never fun when people are injured and killed.  Comrades or enemies.   Either way it hurts, and Iruka-sensei is hurting.  So I think it might be best if you left him alone for tonight.”

Naruto gazed down at his hand with hooded eyes, hypnotized by Kakashi’s fingers on his palm.  With the fight drained out of him, he was left with quiet sadness and concern.

“I know, I know, I know how it is I’ve done missions,” he said softly.  “And I don’t care if he’s mad, I’ve seen him when he’s mad I know he yells a lot but it’s ok, I just want to give him a hug can I do that?  I just want to do that.  If he’s hurting then why should I leave him alone?”

Kakashi’s hand stilled, and for a moment his own heartbeat sounded painfully loud in his ears.   _ Yes, why not?  Why was he so quick to stop Naruto from comforting someone he cared about?  What did he think he was protecting this child from?   And was it really Naruto he was seeing, or his own 12-year-old self? _  He dropped Naruto’s hand like it burned and stood up.

“Alright, a quick hug, and then-”

Naruto had already bounced away and was trotting up to where Iruka stood with hands on hips and gaze fixed on the fire.  He looked up.

“Oi, Naruto-kun, what are you kids still doing up?  You should go to sleep, you’ll need to be rested tomorrow,” he said with a smile.

“It’s not late, Iruka-sensei!  It’s still early!!  And Guy-sensei said we can stay up until the moon is over the top of that tall pine tree over there, see?”  He turned and pointed and squinted up above the treeline.  “Oh, I guess it’s almost there, huh…” He turned back.  “Well I just wanted to give you a hug, and Kakashi-sensei said I could, so-!”

Iruka chuckled and knelt down and Naruto wrapped his arms fiercely around his neck.  Iruka hugged him back, and breathing in deep, let out a sigh.  “Thank you, Naruto-kun, a hug is just what I needed right now.”

They were still for a moment, when Naruto’s muffled voice spoke quietly into Iruka’s collar.

“Kamome-sensei told us if we ever need a hug we have to ask for one.  She said it’s very important for a ninja to learn and we have to learn it now because it’ll be a lot harder when we’re grown up.”

Iruka sat back and looked at Naruto.

“Kamome-sensei…the substitute weapons instructor?” He cocked his head. “She taught you that?”

Naruto nodded.  “Yep she even made us practice.  We had to turn to our partner and say ‘can I have a hug please?’  Except my partner was Choji and he squeezed me so hard I thought I broke a rib and I had to say ‘Choji! Hugs should help not hurt’!!”

Iruka laughed and pulled Naruto into another quick hug, then stood up.  “Well, I’m glad she did.”  He laid a hand on Naruto’s head.  “And she’s right.  It is a lot harder to learn that when you’re grown up.  We should probably be teaching a lot more stuff like that in school, I think.  I should talk to her about that when we get back…” he looked away.  

Kakashi stepped forward and Iruka dropped his hand from Naruto’s head.

“Alright, time to go back.  Iruka-sensei and I need to sleep too.  Go on.”  Kakashi placed a hand on Naruto’s back and pointed him back towards the other side of camp.  Sasuke stood waiting a short distance away from them, a solemn look on his face as his eyes met Kakashi’s.  Kakashi didn’t look away, and neither did Sasuke, even as he gently gripped Naruto’s upper arm and led him away chattering into the dark.  Kakashi sighed and let himself think:   _ Am I doing the right thing for them?  Does it matter?  _

“Hey.”

He turned around to see Iruka looking at him with a closed expression.   Kakashi swallowed.  Just how much was he going to have to be made to feel insecure tonight?

Iruka looked away and made a vague gesture.  “I haven’t slept properly in days.  I don’t think I should really be having this conversation tonight.  I’m going to go to sleep now.”

Kakashi nodded, and a sudden surge of panic was just as quickly followed by a heavy numbness. He fell back on his old standby.  Say as little as possible.

“Fine.  Don’t worry about watch.  Gai and I will take care of it.”

“Thank you,”  Kakashi wasn’t looking at him, but Iruka spoke anyway.   “Goodnight.”

Kakashi nodded, and Iruka moved away to where Takane sat going through his pack and setting out his own bedroll.  Kakashi slid his hands into his pockets, forced his eyes and jaw to relax, and made his way over to where Guy stood counting child-sized lumps in bedrolls near a dying fire.  

“Ah, all present and accounted for.  So much youthful satisfaction with a job well done.  Look how they sleep so soundly with the hope for a brilliant tomorrow.  It really is so satisfying to have so many of them gathered together in one place, determined young minds focused on a common goal.  We really should do joint missions more often, don’t you think?”

“No. I don’t. Too many variables.  They don’t run on logic and it just increases the chance that something’s going to happen that you didn’t plan for.  Only an idiot would deliberately set up a mission that way.”

Gai laughed quietly, and rocked back on his heels.  “Yes, a true answer, my friend.  But one that does not take into account the benefits of exposing ourselves to such non-linear thinking in a combat situation.  The blissfully open minds of their youth can see and react in ways our adult selves cannot… or will not.  It is good to be reminded of what life was like without walls.”

The fire crackled, Lee hiccoughed, Naruto rolled over onto his back with a heavy sigh.  Kakashi said nothing.

“So, then,” Gai continued quietly, “Now that you have directly confronted that which was bothering you... Have your worries been relieved?”

“No.  As a matter of fact,” Kakashi replied, “now I just have something different to worry about.”

Gai squinted.  “But is it  _ better _ ?”

Kakashi dropped his head back, shoulders slumped, staring up and seeing nothing.

“Yes.  Yes, it’s better.”

“Good.  Better is all one can hope for, as we learn to not let each other fall even as we save ourselves.”  He grinned and gave Kakashi a thumbs-up.   “I’ll take first watch.” And he was gone into the trees.  


End file.
